suppress

The human mind is a funny thing. It lets you repress things for an infinite amount of time, but eventually the event that you're trying to forget will come back and bite you in the ass.

I've successfully repressed nearly an entire year from my life… but slowly, the memories are flowing back.  The smallest things can set me off, and I'll remember the painful events I've been trying to forget for a year.

Today, it was a band-aid.

I was in my bathroom, looking for something in one of the drawers, when I spotted a little bandage, which brought back one of my worst memories.

It was the end of May, a few days before my middle school graduation and the day before my cousin Joy's wedding. This was back in the dark days, when the only time I was happy was when I was slashing a razor across my flesh and watching the blood stream down my arm.

I had an audition for The Producers that night, and only one night before had been one of my worst incidences of self-harm ever. My arms were a bloody mess, so I decided to throw on some band-aids to cover the worst of it. I pulled on my favorite jeans, some black flats, a black tank top, and a purple button-up to conceal my arms. As soon as I got to the audition, I found myself anxiously pulling down the sleeves as to hide my horrible arms. When I thought one of the band-aids was falling off, I pulled up my sleeve to readjust it and my mom scowled and muttered, "Ashley, take off those band-aids, you look like a fucking cutter."

Obeying, I pulled all the band-aids off and quickly pulled down my sleeves, covering the bloody, pink mess my arm resembled.

She stayed in the room with me for the rest of the singing portion of the audition, then left while I started dancing. As soon as she was gone, I pulled off my button-up so I wouldn't overheat while I danced. Immediately, Stephanie, a friend of my cousin, who I'd known before, walked over to me.

"Ash, what are those?" she whispered. Before I had a chance to answer, Becky began the dance portion.

That painful day, and the wedding the night after, were almost irrevocably forgotten in my mind. However, that night came flooding back, and I fear many more like that will follow.